Managing Heartbreak with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)
*Originally published as “Healing from Heartbreak with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)” on the National Alliance on Mental Illness Blog on January 13, 2021, under Sage Nestler, MSW’s deadname “Ashley Nestler”: https://www.nami.org/borderline-personality-disorder/healing-from-heartbreak-with-bpd/
Edited, revised, and expanded on August 8, 2025.
Content Warnings: mentions of suicidal ideation and self-harm)
Having my heart broken is one of the worst experiences I have had as a person living with borderline personality disorder (BPD). When my heart is broken, I cannot describe it as “feeling sad” or even just “grief.”
I don’t think I have ever just felt “sad.”
Rather, I feel like the pain is tearing me apart muscle by muscle, bone by bone, stripping my soul a piece at a time. Often, my only reprieve from the pain is suicidal thoughts and/or self-harm.
Heartbreak, in short, makes me feel like I am burning from the inside out.
I have experienced various instances of suicidal ideation in my life, most of which have followed the demise of relationships - romantic and platonic. I am also a multi-attempt survivor. I cannot describe how painful the feelings of abandonment and loneliness are. Or how excruciating it is for me to see the other person move on without such a strong reaction. Knowing that my pain is tearing me apart, while seeing the other person able to function remarkably better, adds to my torment.
Every heartbreak I have suffered has affected me on a deep level. I can feel them in my core when something triggers memories of that person or experience. Living with borderline personality disorder (BPD) makes me feel like my heart never fully heals — that my pain remains no matter how much time has gone by.
It has been four years since I originally wrote this article for the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI), and I have suffered further heartbreaks since then.
I still carry them all.
Since writing this article, I went on to specialize in borderline personality disorder (BPD) and have pursued ongoing treatment myself. I have learned that living with intense emotions daily is my new normal. I have learned that my heart is sensitive - it always has been - and it does not take very much for it to break.
However, I have also learned that with time and coping skills, surviving heartbreak as a person with borderline personality disorder (BPD) (while not easy) is possible. While I still feel the pain from my past heartbreaks and brace myself through the pain as new ones arise, I have learned some techniques that have helped me handle the pain.
I hope that if you are struggling with heartbreak as a person with BPD, they can help you, too.
1. Remember that this emotion is temporary.
One of the realities I have learned living with borderline personality disorder (BPD) is that when I am in an emotion, it feels as though the emotion is permanent. I have a hard time remembering how I felt before, because the emotion can be all-consuming.
But one of the few good things about my BPD is that most times, the emotion passes quickly - just to be replaced by another. Understanding that temporary emotional state has helped me to accept my emotions with some ease. Try to keep reminding yourself that what you are feeling will pass, despite how strongly you may feel.
That truth alone may provide some comfort.
2. Ride the emotions like a wave.
When I am heartbroken, I will feel intense emotions rapidly - one after another - which I refer to as an “emotional storm.” Before I was diagnosed, I would act on each emotion that arose because I felt that my actions were justified by how I was feeling, and I did not know what was happening in my mind and body.
Specializing in this disorder, understanding it and myself more, and continuing with treatment, has helped me to accept the fact that I feel things so much deeper than those who do not live with BPD. This is my reality, but I should not act on each emotion.
I try to visualize myself riding a wave with every emotion that surfaces, and I allow myself to fully feel each one, knowing that I don’t have to act on them. They WILL return, but they WILL keep on passing. I hold a lot of regret for how I have acted on emotions before I was diagnosed, especially during previous heartbreaks. I still have instances where my emotions are hard to control, and I do act on them.
It helps me to know that I have grown and that I can experience my own emotions without inflicting pain on others with each emotion or compromising my self-worth with feelings of regret and a loss of dignity.
Every day is a challenge, but I am still learning.
3. Don’t expect others to feel as strongly as you feel.
This has been one of the hardest things for me to learn. I am still trying to accept and wrap my mind around the fact that other people who do not live with this disorder will not experience the level of intense emotions that I do. I am ALWAYS working on continually learning and living this truth. We cannot expect the other person in a breakup or heartbreak of any kind to feel as strongly as we feel. It is a painful truth, but one that we must radically accept. We do not have to like it, but we have to utilize radical acceptance* of this fact to survive.
Just because another person might not feel their emotions as strongly as we do does not mean that the relationship didn’t mean anything to them. They are just processing the breakup or heartbreak in their own way, and that is okay.
The honest truth is that we have to focus on surfing and processing our emotions. We cannot assume anything about what the other person is feeling or fixate on them and what they may or may not be doing. We have to focus on our experience and embrace what we are feeling to work through it. The more we cover or run from these emotions, the more painful they will become.
In my experience, I have learned that closure is a myth.
For example, on social media today, I received a “someone you might know” notification for a person’s profile - the same person with who I went through a devastating heartbreak six years ago. This article was originally regarding that heartbreak.
Seeing that notification without even looking at their profile, just seeing their name and a preview of their picture, felt like a knife to my heart. Sometimes we think that closure will prevent us from feeling pain from the situation, so we can move on. The truth is, I have moved on, but it still hurts. To me, that is a testament to how much I cared about this person.
Our experiences shape us, and we have to understand that closure may not be possible - and the other person might not want to interact with you after the heartbreak. While this can be incredibly painful, it does not mean that you are a bad person. It means that the other person needs to process in their way, and you must process in yours.
4. Take a step back before reacting.
This is also one of the hardest truths I am still working on through trial and error, which I briefly touched on. One thing about my experience with borderline personality disorder (BPD) is that it makes me want to react immediately without a second thought as to what the repercussions might be. Even though I have gone through extensive treatment and still work with my treatment team weekly, I am constantly battling this. Most of the time, my outbursts lead me to feel self-hatred when I recall my actions.
However, it is possible to experience your emotional urges and take a mental step back before acting on impulses. If you have the capacity (which is not always possible), try to consider that any outbursts will impact the other person. I have hurt many people through some of my impulsive reactions, and I still regret the pain I have caused the people I love.
But I also know that I am only human, YOU are only human, and we all make mistakes.
5. Be kind to yourself.
This one is still the hardest thing for me. Due to having the discouraged (quiet)* form of borderline personality disorder (BPD), I am more often than not beating myself up because I tend to act inwards, rather than outwards.
I know that this does nothing to serve me, but I still struggle with it. It does not serve me, and it will not serve you. You do not deserve to put extra pain on yourself. Living with BPD is painful hard enough.
Being kind to yourself can be as small as taking deep breaths to help you ride your emotions, treating yourself to something that brings you any form of comfort or happiness, or connecting with your environment through your five senses to ground yourself.
If you struggle with self-harm, ensure that your environment is safe by putting away dangerous items (whatever that may mean for you). Take some time to understand that you are feeling intense pain and that your emotions ARE valid, even though they may be stronger than what others are experiencing. One thing that helps me when I have self-harm urges is to smash ice cubes in my shower or utilizing various fidget objects.
Try to practice self-care by attending to yourself with self-love and remind yourself that the pain you feel now will pass and become less frequent with time.
One thing that has helped me is to create a safety plan* for when I am highly emotional. My safety plan has instructions for items I need to put away and specific actions I can take to feel better, as well as anyone I can reach out to for support. Creating a crisis kit (with comfort and safety objects) is also an essential tool. I have mine readily available at all times.
Having a safety plan as a resource has helped me when my emotions get so strong that I cannot manage my thoughts or impulses on my own. However, it needs to be updated frequently as I grow and my needs change.
Affirmations have also been a huge help for me, such as:
“My emotions are valid.”
“I am allowed to embrace, feel, and express my pain.”
“I deserve to show myself love and affection.”
“This is painful, and it is tough, but so am I.”
“I am not a bad person.”
Heartbreak is one of the most painful things I have experienced living with borderline personality disorder (BPD). But over time, I have learned how to cope better with my emotions and come through stronger. It is still not easy, but I am getting better at handling whatever comes my way.
I will be honest when I say that this is still extremely hard, but there is hope, even when I feel hopeless. I just have to keep reminding myself of that fact, and I want you to remind yourself of it too.
You are never alone, you are a warrior for living with this disorder, and I see you.
TERM DEFINITIONS
Radical Acceptance
Radical acceptance is a concept within dialectical behavior therapy (DBT). It comes from the Buddhist concept that rejecting reality causes further pain. Radically accepting a situation, emotions, etc., no matter how painful, means that you acknowledge and accept these without judgement - rather than trying to fight or change them.
Discouraged (Quiet) Borderline Personality Disorder
There are four types of borderline personality disorder (BPD): discouraged, impulsive, petulant, and impulsive. The discouraged (quiet) form involves experiencing many of the strong emotions and impulses as the other types. It is often the type that leads to a delay in diagnosis because it does not fit the “stereotype” of BPD. Instead of acting outwards, you may act inwards - such as turning anger onto yourself, through self-harm or other ways. This type can share traits with the impulsive type due to self-harm, but it can also present as intense perfectionism and feelings of inadequacy.
Safety Plan/Crisis Kit
Safety plans often include a list of safe people with their contact information, instructions on things that need to be done when one is in an emotionally dangerous state (such as putting away certain objects), a list of safe places that comfort a person, a list of crisis numbers, and comforting activities or objects a person can use. Creating a crisis kit goes hand in hand with this. Crisis kits can include anything a person wants - comforting objects, a list of coping skills, reminders of a person’s passions or what they find makes their life meaningful, etc.
*If you require further assistance, please view our crisis resources here.
